Phil Block
ENGL 201
9 May 2008
Rules of Attraction
Most people spend many years of their lives looking for the right person to settle down with and spend the rest of his or her life with. Many people wish that there was a stork that could drop off the perfect person to him or her. If one really stops and thinks about it, people spend many years looking for Mr./Mrs. Right. Children start dating and looking for potential lovers as early as elementary school. As people grow older and mature they tend to develop more of a mature and serious way of finding someone to love. As a person matures the traits he or she looks for in a potential mate changes. What someone sees as important when he or she is young will probably not still be important after twenty years of marriage. There are many traits that people look for while looking for someone to spend the rest of his or her life with. These traits vary throughout our life, but each has its own importance.
One may not realize it, but children as young as elementary age start testing the waters in what he or she thinks is important in a relationship. Usually these relationships are only friendships, but these friendships help set standards for the child. If one watches children play, he or she will notice that children usually connect and form friendships based on their likes and dislikes. This will carry on for most of a child’s life. It is not hard to see that people form relationships with people that share similar interests with him or her. Young children may not have dating on their minds but sooner or later they will.
By the time a child is in middle school, he or she usually starts to experiment with dating. Middle school dating is usually not based on a deep connection. Laura Friedlander, et al. presents a research study on middle school children and their dating patterns. This study found that middle school students’ dating patterns have a great dependency on their peer groups. If a student’s friends are dating someone then he or she will be more prone to date someone (828). In middle school, a person’s friends are his or her backbone in life to the decisions he or she makes. Friends shape a person into what he or she is. In middle school, friends become the most influential people in a student’s life. It is easy to see how dating habits depend on that of friends’. If all of a student’s friends are dating and constantly talking about their relationships, it is natural for someone who is not dating to want to find someone to date so he or she can fit in with his or her friends once again.
In middle school, dating becomes a little more serious, but it is still common for relationships to not be based on a deep connection. A student will usually date someone who does the same activities as him or her. A boyfriend/girlfriend connection may also be based on attraction or completely influenced by ones friends (Friedlander, et al. 827-9). A lot of middle school students date, because it is the “cool” thing to do or maybe because “everyone else is.” These rudimentary dating practices seem pointless to older people, but realistically these dating patterns are actually going to benefit these students later in life. These relationships are helping the student to develop dating ideals and expectations which will become helpful when trying to form a deep connection with someone later in life.
Once a student enters high school, he or she may start to develop healthy meaningful relationships. High school is usually the time when students begin to experiment with dating and sexual activity. A student will usually continue to date friends from his or her peer group. Students who are dating in high school may begin to see the importance of dating someone whom his or her friends approve of and like. If someone is dating someone and his or her friends do not like the person, the relationship proabably will not last long. Friends are the most important people in this stage of life. A friend’s opinion really matters when it comes down to dating. It is also really hard to make a relationship last if one is constantly forced to choose to spend time with his or her friends or his or her boyfriend or girlfriend. After awhile of doing this choosing, one will more than likely come to the decision that it is not worth the time and effort. Especially in high school, it is important to have a strong reliable base of friends. If one is constantly ditching out on his or her friends, the friends will move on and leave him or her behind. Many times one will then choose between his or her friends or his or her girlfriend/boyfriend. What he or she chooses, is based on the person and how deep of a connection he or she feels. Many times at this stage of life, however; a person will choose his or her friends.
When a student graduates high school and begins the college stage of life, his or her dating patterns may change. During the first year or so of college, students often do not like to be tied down to one person. Students like to explore his or her options for dating and go out and have fun. Sometimes this exploration of dating includes random one-night stands. Norman Li and Douglas Kenrick studied short term relationships. They found that usually the only characteristic someone looks for in a one-night stand partner is attractiveness (470). Having a one-night stand with someone does not mean that the two people have to have a lot of things in common. In fact, most students surveyed preferred to not really know much about their one-night stand partner (472). This helps to ensure that one will not develop feelings for the other person. One-night stands are most of the time strictly based on having sex with someone who is hot. One-night stands are seen as just playful fun among college students.
Once a person is past the random dating stages of life, he or she begins to settle down and look for that one special person he or she has a deep connection with. There have been many studies done to try and pin-point what one looks for in a mate. There are so many traits and qualities that are important for each individual that it is hard to pinpoint an exact trait that men and women want. A study by Susan Sprecher, Quintin Sullivan, and Elaine Hatfield took a look at common traits and the willingness of men and women to marry someone based on these traits. They found through their studies that men look for youth and physical attractiveness when selecting potential mates. Women in this study were more likely to marry someone based on their earning potential (1078). These were neither the only traits nor the only thing important in mate selection. Looks and earning potential are just two important qualities that men and women seek in their future partners. Women like to know that their family will be supported and be able to live comfortable. Men like to have a physically attractive wife, because they feel their children will then be cute and have a better chance at a good life in this society which is obsessed with looks. A study by James McNulty, Lisa Neff, and Benjamin Karney found that couples rate their marriage as happier when the wife is more attractive than the husband. This is because of the way the American culture and society feel women need to be perfect (140). Today’s society stresses physical beauty. The media world places a great deal of stress on beauty for women. If a woman is not considered beautiful out in the social world, she will not feel pretty at home. Women are self-conscience, and when they do feel beautiful they are not very confident. A lack of confidence in a woman can lead to problems in the marriage. The woman will never feel disserving and this will lead to fights.
Another reason why it is hard to pinpoint exact qualities wanted in the opposite sex is because these qualities change throughout the decades. What was once important is no longer important because of the changes in society. The article by David Buss, et at., takes a look at how the qualities that men and women look for have changed throughout the years. Domestic skills is one quality that has had a significant change in the ranking of importance when looking for a woman. During the 1930s-1960s, men ranked finding a woman who was a good cook and good at cleaning in their top six things to look for in a woman. As the decades progressed and women entered the work force, this quality has become less and less important. Now house-work is becoming more and more equal among couples (491). With the increase of women in the work force, it is easy to see why men wouldn’t deem domestic capabilities as a very highly wanted trait. In the days when women didn’t work, domestic skills were important for women to possess. Men wanted to come home after a long day at work and be greeted with a clean house and exquisite hot meal. In today’s society, this reality is not always achievable. Most households now consist of two working parents. The woman is usually still encouraged to come home after work and tidy up the house and make a meal, but it is not expected to be as exquisite as it was back in the 1950s.
When finding someone to share a deep connection with there is often a problem that people run into. This problem is whether or not a friend could possibly become a lover. It is often confusing, because a lot of times dating an opposite sex friend does not work out. This is hard to figure out, because one would think that really good friends should be able to build a relationship on that. Susan Sprecher and Pamela Regan take a look at the difference between friends and lovers in their article. This article points out that the top traits that men and women look for in a relationship are basically the same for all relationships. These traits include openness, expressiveness, kindness, and humor. These qualities exist in every type of relationship: It doesn’t matter if it is a romantic relationship, a same sex friendship, or an opposite sex friendship. The difference comes from the expectation of quality of a certain characteristic. People expect their romantic partners to show the highest level of the qualities and for their opposite sex friends to show the least amount of these qualities (475-7). With this study, one can conclude that the one reason why friends usually don’t make good lovers is because they don’t possess a great enough amount of these important qualities. Sometimes another reason is because people do not want to ruin a friendship. Once you date a friend, it is hard to go back to being really good friends if it does not work out. The friendship often turns into being awkward. It is possible to go back to being good friends, but it takes time and work to get there.
When someone is looking for a romantic partner, there is something that he or she should keep in mind. This is the old age saying that “opposites attract.” Many times people go and try and find someone much like themselves. It makes sense to want to be with someone who shares values and has personality similarities, but there is one thing that should not be the same. This was looked at by D. Dryer and Leonard Hororitz in their personality studies. They found out that submissive people should look for a partner who is dominant and a dominant should look for a submissive person. The reasoning behind this is that a submissive person likes when there is someone there to help him or her and or guide him or her with decisions. A dominant person then finds satisfaction when he or she is able to help out a submissive partner (599). If two submissive people would date, not much would get accomplished in the relationship. Both people would be waiting on the other person to make a decision. Two dominant people in a relationship bump heads a lot. Both would want to lead and dominate which would lead to an argument. So, although it is important to find someone who shares personal values, it is also important to keep in mind that a submissive person and a dominant person are happiest when they are in a relationship with each other.
Once two people have been happily dating for awhile, the topic of marriage begins to come up. The length of dating before marriage varies greatly from couple to couple. Some people only date for as little as a few months while others will date for many years before getting married. Kelly Grover et al., takes a look at how the length of dating affects the happiness while married in her article. The study in this article concluded that couples who dated for over two years were generally happier than couples who dated less than two years. The longer the couple dated before getting married the better they ranked their own marriage (384). The longer dating periods gave couples more time to discover the little things that can go wrong and also learn how to work through these things. When a couple doesn’t take enough time to really get to know his or her partner, the marriage can become rockier at times. Simple disagreements, which can come about from not knowing everything about a partner, are often much worse once married compared to when two people are only dating. Dating is a very serious part of a relationship and should not be taken lightly or rushed. A couple needs to get to know his or her partner and know both the good and the bad things that come from him or her.
Marriage is not always as perfect as one may want it to be. It takes a lot of hard work to make a marriage work. The first stage of marriage is often referred to as the “honey moon” phase. This means that the couple is extremely happy and loving their new lives together. Everything is going perfect, but this usually begins to fade as reality of sharing a life with someone begins to settle in. An article by David Wright et at., talks about how a couple’s view on a relationship gradually changes with time. Young people, those who were just married, thought that a healthy relationship was one in which there were no disagreements and agreed on almost all issues. Couples who were married for a long time realized that that type of marriage is hard to find. These couples rated a healthy relationship as one with healthy communication. Longer married couples realized that a marriage takes work and maintenance to make it work (232). Newlyweds believed in an almost fairy tale type marriage. They are naïve and expect everything to be perfect. As marriage preogresses, the couple is soon able to see that being married is not as easy as it seems. It takes a lot of work and communication to make a marriage work.
As many people would expect, it is important to have a lot in common with a spouse. It is important to have similarities in personal values and personality traits. Ruth Grant discusses what qualities are important to have in a happy successful marriage in her article. She found that a couple who relates on personal values has a happy marriage. She also noted that religious and political sameness is not a predictor of a happy marriage (1416). The fact that having differing religious and political views does not necessarily constitute an unhappy marriage does not mean it isn’t something that should be discussed before marriage. For a lot of couples, the issue of religion can turn into a hot topic and sometimes lead to arguments. Once a couple discusses what they are going to do for religion, whether it be separate religions or someone converting, it is not a big deal. Many times, one person in the couple decides to convert to the other’s religion. This may or may not be the right answer to the religious debates. It all depends on what the couple agrees is the right thing for them. This is often how the issue of politics goes. Often, the couple will have varying views, but as long as each person knows where the other one stands on topics, it will work out. Religion and political discrepancies are not a make or break marriage deal. They are two easy values that can either be changed or just respected between couples.
As a marriage grows and develops, many aspects of the marriage also change. At first the marriage starts off as being “perfect” and the couple is happy and in much love. The marriage quickly changes once children become part of the picture. Having children often puts a lot of strain on a relationship. The whole dynamic of the marriage changes. Children add a lot of unexpected strain on a couple. Sometimes someone has to quit his or her job to stay home with a child or extra planning needs to go into who will drop off and or pick up the child from daycare. In general, a once spontaneous relationship turns into a non-spontaneous relationship with little one on one time for a couple. A couple usually loses a lot of the romantic intimacy that they once had. All extra time and energy now is focused on the child. This is why the period of marriage when children are young is often the most trying and difficult stage. Michelle Shiota and Robert Levenson did a study to find out what things vary and change among aging married couples. They first looked at couples who were married for about ten-twenty years and raising their children:
For as long as children are living at home, their parenting is likely to be the subject of considerable marital conflict. Midlife couples also tend to disagree more than older couples about finances and household responsibilities and about how to spend leisure. At this point, the focus for many couples seems to be less on the marriage itself and more on meeting individual and shared responsibilities. (667)
They found that couples, who were raising children, were facing the most difficult times of their marriage. Once a couple’s children are raised and out on their own, the marriage begins to look up again. Shiota and Lenenson found in their study that couples in their sixties were very happy. “… older couples show more affectionate behavior during interaction and disagree less with each other overall” (668). This could be because there is a lot less stress among older couples. Their children are raised, they have made it through the tough part of life, and now the only thing left for them to do is to relax and enjoy the rest of their lives with one another. The hardships are usually over until someone in the relationship starts dealing with death. This can be a very difficult time for anyone. It is especially hard on a couple who has been together for over fifty years. Often times, once someone dies, their partner feels alone and doesn’t know what to do with his or her life. A person spends his or her whole life looking for that special someone, and once that person is found, he or she shares a loving relationship with him or her until the end.
Dating is an important part of everyone’s life. Dating starts in middle school and progresses into adult hood. Everyone has different dating patterns and look for different qualities in a partner. Some people put a lot of emphasis on looks and or earning potential. In order for a relationship to last there has to be more of a connection than just looks and money. A couple must connect on a variety of qualities, personality traits, and values. Common traits that partners must agree on or accept about his or her partner are openness, expressiveness, kindness, and humor. The amount that a person is looking for of each of these qualities depends on that person. Studies do show that a person’s friends also have these characteristics, but the difference between a partner and a friend is that a partner is suppose to show the highest level of these characteristics. Friends have these traits but not in the same level as one’s partner. Another thing to keep in mind when searching for that special someone is that opposites attract. A submissive person is happiest when he or she is with a dominant person and vise versa. After dating for a while, a couple begins to think about marriage. Marriage happiness varies among couples and also during different times in the marriage. Couples are least happy while raising children. Children are a huge strain on a relationship, but once they are grown a couple begins to gain back their happiness. So as one can see, a lot of things go into finding that special someone to share the rest of his or her life with. Once that person is found there is a mixture of both good and bad times, but true love can prevail through anything.
Works Cited
Buss, David, et al. “A Half Century of Mate Preferences: The Cultural Evolution of Values.” Journal of Marriage and Family 63.2 (2001): 249. Academic Search Premier. EBSCO. U of South Dakota, ID Weeks Lib., Vermillion, SD. 1 April 2008
Dryer, D., and Leonard Hororitz. “When Do Opposites Attract? Interpersonal Complementarily Versus Similarity.” Journal of Personality & Social Psychology 72.3 (1997): 592-603. Academic Search Premier. EBSCO. U of South Dakota, ID Weeks Lib., Vermillion, SD. 1 April 2008
Friedlander, Laura J., et al. “Biological, Familial, and Peer Influences on Dating in Early Adolescence.”
Grant, Ruth. “Couple Similarity and Marital Satisfaction: Are Similar Spouses Happier?” Journal of Personality 74.5 (2006): 1401-20. Academic Search Premier. EBSCO. U of South Dakota, ID Weeks Lib., Vermillion, SD. 1 April 2008
Grover, Kelly J., et al. "Mate Selection Processes and Marital Satisfaction." Family Relations 34.3 (1985): 383-6. PsycINFO. EBSCO. U of South Dakota, ID Weeks Lib., Vermillion, SD. 1 April 2008
Li, Norman, and Douglas Kenrick. “Sex Similarities and Differences in Preferences for Short-Term Mates: What, Whether, and Why.” Journal of Personality & Social Psychology 90.3 (2006): 468-89. Academic Search Premier. EBSCO. U of South Dakota, ID Weeks Lib., Vermillion, SD. 1 April 2008
McNulty, James K., Lisa A. Neff, and Benjamin R. Karney. “Beyond Initial Attraction: Physical Attractiveness in Newlywed Marriage.” Journal of Family Psychology 22.1 (2008): 135-43. Academic Search Premier. EBSCO. U of South Dakota, ID Weeks Lib., Vermillion, SD. 7 April 2008
Shiota, Michelle N., and Robert W. Levenson. "Birds of a feather don't always fly farthest: Similarity in Big Five personality predicts more negative marital satisfaction trajectories in long-term marriages." Psychology and Aging 22.4 (2007): 666-75. PsycINFO. EBSCO. U of South Dakota, ID Weeks Lib., Vermillion, SD. 7 April 2008
Sprecher, Susan, and Pamela Regan. “Liking Some Things (in some people) More Than Others: Partner Preferences in Romantic Relationships and Friendships.” Journal of Social & Personal Relationships 19.4 (2002): 463- . Academic Search Premier. EBSCO. U of South Dakota, ID Weeks Lib., Vermillion, SD. 1 April 2008
Sprecher, Susan, Quintin Sullivan, and Elaine Hatfield. “Mate Selection Preferences: Gender Differences Examined in a National Sample.” Journal of Personality & Social Psychology 66.6 (1994): 1074-80. Academic Search Premier. EBSCO. U of South Dakota, ID Weeks Lib., Vermillion, SD. 1 April 2008
Wright, David W., et al. “Does a Marriage Ideal Exist? Using Q-sort Methodology to Compare Young Adults' and Professional Educators' Views on Healthy Marriages.” Contemporary Family Therapy: An International Journal 29.4 (2007): 223-36. EBSCO. U of South Dakota, ID Weeks Lib., Vermillion, SD. 7 April 2008
